I know, I've felt it too and despaired. There are lots of different reasons for it. For me, I've spent many, many, many long moments in my life absolutely believing they were my last, that I was about to be killed in a violent manner, which went unnoticed by anyone around me. It's all re-surfaced recently after the violent death of a woman here in Melbourne. My mind takes me to her last moments because it's familiar territory to me. And because terror is unspoken of, denied, minimised, unwitnessed in our culture, it's very hard to notice at first that I'm back in it.
I'm better at spotting the signs these days....indigestion, nightmares, panic attacks, jumpiness, exhaustion, waking convinced someone is in the house, going harder with my addictions. The lack of societal understanding meant I spent time in a psychiatric ward as a young adult and was legally drugged for years, exponentially increasing the overall terror.
Let's just say the word again. TERROR. It's real. I believe you. Babies and children feel terror. It seems that it's ok to use the word 'trauma' or 'abuse' these days but terror is still off-limits, like it's relegated only to how mainstream corporate owned media define the word, as something 'out there' that other cultures and 'complete wackos' inflict on us. Nope, it's being experienced in many homes right now.
I can offer a little hope. Things are improving for me. I won't sugarcoat it. I still have intensely painful times and some seemingly endlessly miserable times but overall, things are definitely improving, not that I remember that they are in the middle of the hard stuff. But I can go for days now with energy to do what needs to be done, being appreciative, in fact, just being.
I'm holding a little candle out for you, maybe you can just make me out down the long, dark hallway. x