It made sense back as a child and young adult to focus on the negative only.... because that's where the danger and uncertainty lurked. Lately my awareness has been growing that, when unpleasant emotions arise, I literally cannot remember good times. I'm realising it's because a part of my mind only shows up and pays attention for the pain and misery. The good times happen but that part of my mind feels justified in taking a nap then and so memories don't get made.
But, seeing as things are, in all likelihood, quite safe now, I need to mark out a new neural goat-track that, hopefully, over time, with more and more use, will become a freeway.
So with that in mind, here's a few good things:
1. I'm noticing that, as painful and intense as things can feel in my partnership, we always find our way back to connection and laughter, and grow a little more each time we do. I presumed that's how it is for everyone but lately am not so sure.
2. A while back, things were at their most hopeless for me as I finally lifted the pus-filled scab to heal properly from the wound of childhood sexual assault and was reeling in overwhelming feelings of old powerlessness and despair. Then, out of the blue, someone came into my life who took it upon herself to ring me every Monday evening for a couple of months and ask 'how are you?' And 'how are you really?' She listened to the old awfulness roll out, then she was gone from my life but she quite possibly saved it. I'm very, very grateful for that.
3. I'm blessed with warm, tender connection with my 14yo. I feel her strong affection, her enjoyment of my company, and that is to be treasured. I love the honesty of our relationship and learn so much from her insights when offered. I've lost count of the times we've peed our pants laughing. On new year's eve, she and her long-time friend, a 13 year old boy, suggested we write down some things we want to let go of and other things we want to cultivate in ourselves. We all sat and wrote then we spoke aloud them aloud and burned the former and buried the latter in the garden. It was ordinary and it was magical. I'm acknowledging that it's pretty special to have teenagers in my life who feel fine to say out loud the behaviours they wish to let go of and the ones they want to grow. Getting this goat track going was the resolution I planted.
4. I was asked if I would like to be part of a beautiful new website promoting the creativity of people living with complex ptsd. It means my film, Head for the Hills, and this blog, reaches many more people than it otherwise would have done....and I didn't have to lift a finger to make it happen! (If you're not accessing this blog via the website, the link to it is www.cptsdlight.com)
5. I've recently moved to a sub-tropical, coastal town, in a house with a pool and no longer have landlords or house inspections (although what's going to motivate me to clean now I'm not sure).
When I lay it out like that, it sounds like a damn fine life to me.
Goodbye 2013, roll on 2014. like I said, no more nana-naps when the enjoyable stuff shows up and I'll be trotting out along that goat track.